Friday, 4 July 2014
So I went off Zyprexa last week and I have been having quite a difficult time sleeping ever since. Mainly trouble falling asleep. Once I somehow manage to get to sleep I can usually stay asleep. Of course with lack of sleep comes mental instability. I've been moving in and out of suicidal thoughts, impulsiveness and thoughts of self injury. Thus far I'm still here, and I haven't attempted anything. Hopefully things start to get better soon.
Tuesday, 24 June 2014
I read a book several weeks ago called Finally Free by Heath Lambert. Now it is the only book I’ve ever read about fighting addictions to pornography, so I can’t compare thoughts to any other books, works, whatever. I thought it was a good book.
I actually, am taking part in goodreads.com challenge to read a certain number of books this year. It helps you keep track. And I went back and forth several times in my mind of whether or not I was going to add it to the goodreads list. Have the cover, the title, shown. Addiction to pornography isn’t really ‘afternoon conversation,’ rather its secretive and shameful. I did end up putting it on my goodreads list because its in my book. Its honest and all through my book, so it is a little late to care what people know or think about me.
I did think it is a good book. It encouraged me to pray about fighting it. To include God, ask him for help, for grace, for strength. As opposed to just trying on my own.
Things have been going well. I haven’t looked at porn in quite a while. Actually reading the book, kind of put my focus back on pornography which made it harder to resist. But yeah, things have been going well. I’ve actually gotten into the habit of reading my Bible ever day which I think has helped. I’m closer to Christ so my focus is on the good, the true, the righteous and not on sinfulness of self.
Tuesday, 17 June 2014
I’m too materialistic. I always think what I buy will be the best. But then when I get it, it’s not. It never is the best. Yeah maybe its fun, but it is never as good as the hype promised it would be. Which then leads to me feeling disappointed, and angry that I spent money. And then when that fades, I start looking for the next thing that will make me happy. Cycle continues…
I need to stop looking for more and be content with what I have. I have everything I need. I have more than I need.
Saturday, 14 June 2014
Roughly five years ago I came very close to ending my life. I was found unconscious on the floor and rushed to the hospital. After I awoke and the drugs were filtered out of my system I spent roughly a month in a psych ward.
Since then I have come very close to attempting suicide again, but I haven’t. Sometimes I went back to the hospital and other times I just… I don’t know. I haven’t tried.
Many things have happened in the last five years that wouldn’t have happened had I died. Good things. My book for example. I wrote a book, and it got published and people have bought it. Maybe that is how you found this website. Its crazy to think that out there strangers, people I’ll never meet, have purchased my book and read it and now know very personal details about me. But more than that, knowing God is using it, using my life.
Still the thought remains that had I died I’d be in Heaven. I’ve experienced plenty of good things in the last five years, but I’ve also had hard times and episodes of severe depression.
I tend to shy away from the question of if I’m happy that I’m alive, that I didn’t die. Because I don’t know. And it doesn’t change the fact that I am alive. This blog is about wrestling out that answer.